Sorry if I offended anyone with my previous post. I was just curious to see if people thought I was nuts or not for the whole rug thing. Now everyone knows that I really am! LOL!

I have lost my son again, into the world of autism. Yes, I know, it goes back and forth. but I hate being so blind to it. Last night he crawled into bed with us around 3:30 AM, which is pretty normal, but then he just laid there and screamed for about an hour. There was nothing we could do. I'm sure it was a night terror, but during this, I realized that we had lost him again, and I don't know how to get him back this time.

My son, whom we affectionately call Loni (rhymes with bologna), was born in May 2001. He was the first child my husband had ever held. It might be kind of gross to say it, but you know how most babies come out all gooey and covered in yuck? Not him. He came out looking like he had been spit-shined. He was absolutely the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. My oldest, whom I love to death, actually looked like a wrinkled old cowboy when he was born (God love him)! But Loni was perfect in every way! He had the most rosy cheeks and baby-soft skin with the perfect coloring. I was amazed by him. I was also completely exhausted because he was 8 lbs. 4 oz. at birth...yikes!

I remember being in my room at the hospital just a few hours after I had given birth, and the nursery had him so I could rest. I was at the end of the long hall, probably the farthest room from the nursery. All of the sudden this baby starts crying in the nursery, and he was so loud! I remember thinking to myself, "Boy, that kid's mother is in for it!" Then suddenly the crying was getting closer and closer. Before I knew it, that crying baby was in my private room. My eyes must have been really, really wide, because the nurse kind of laughed and said "don't worry mom, he's just hungry!".

Fast forward about a year later. Loni was still beautiful. He was the kind of baby where strangers couldn't help but walk up and say something to. I couldn't go 10 feet in the store without someone commenting on what a beautiful child he was. Inside I would groan, and think..."he's not so beautiful at 2 AM!!". He still was not sleeping through the night. Correction- he barely slept. Most days he would take about 4 20-minute naps in a 24 hour period. My husband and I were absolutely exhausted. And, yipee, I was pregnant again. I still don't know how we managed to find the time for that one! Other than that, he was so wonderful. You could say "sleepy-time!", and he would fold his hands so angelically underneath his head, and cock it to the side and close his eyes and smile. It was so precious! He would also do other things that were so cute and so silly. He seemed really smart too. When he played with things, he looked at them very intensely and studied them first. Then there was the fact that No one could ever say "wow" in front of him. He absolutely hated that word. You could say it soft or loud, in praise or amazement...it didn't matter. You could whisper it across the house, and he would hear you. It always led to a long drawn out tantrum. It still amazes me how often the word wow is actually used, but every time it was, I knew about it.

When Loni was about 12-13 months old he had a few words...mama, dada, baba, baby, happy...things like that. Then around 13 1/2 weeks of age, now that I look back, he started to slip away from us. The tantrums became more intense, he stopped responding to his name, he refused to go into his crib, and would climb out of it. He started spinning in circles, and stacking everything (toys, blocks, shoes, etc) so neatly. What I didn't know then was that was the first time we started to lose him.

And lose him we did. At his 15 month check-up (2 weeks after my daughter was born), I asked the Dr what could be going on with him. I remember telling them that he just wasn't right. I didn't realize at the time that he was regressing, so I didn't call it that. I'm sure they thought that I just wasn't paying attention because of the new baby. Nope, I made sure to keep up with him just as I always had...my daughter was a very easy baby in comparison. They told me not to worry, and that boys just develop later than girls. They offered to send him for a hearing exam, but by then I felt like a nervous mother. I had done this before...if something was wrong, I would know it, right? Sad thing is, I did know it. I just couldn't explain it.

So at about 17 months things had really gotten bad. He still was only taking about 4 20-minute naps a day, although occasionally he would throw in a solid hour here and there. You would think I would have been grateful for those hours every now and again, but alas, it would be my daughters turn to keep me from resting. I know I cried so often back then after my husband would et home. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I couldn't keep up with the house, or make dinner regularly, or any of the things I was supposed to be handling. I felt like a total failure.

One day, my mother came over (actually, at the time she lived next door, so it was not an unusual visit). She sat there with me watching Loni spin around in place for about 20 minutes. He had gotten quite good at this, and never fell down. She started calling his name. No response, no matter how loud she got. The she said the words that would forever change our lives. "Gosh, it's like he lives in his own little world..."! Immediately I gasped, ran to my computer and typed that in, along with the word "autism". I still to this day have no idea what made me realize it, but I do remember that I sat there crying and shaking my head furiously as the screen in front of me described my child to a T.

will write more later
~Leslie

Well, so far no one has responded to my previous post, which kind of disappoints me. I was really looking forward to seeing if people think I'm crazy for making such a big deal out of this. I do want to say that my posts won't always be about autism...obviously. It will be me- wide open and exposed for everyone to see. As I said in the 100 things about myself, I hate liars, so I would never do that to anyone. It will be about my family, which at some points couldn't make me prouder, and at others, make me want to pull my hair out using hot wax and those awful waxing strips! It will be my views as a wife, as a single mother (which I once was), and about being a married mother. It will be about my brothers and their trials and tribulations, as well as my parents, and about being a sister and a daughter. And, sometimes it will be about random observations that I've made throughout my life, and ones that I will make in the future. Anyway... I just thought that I would clarify that. Feel free to comment on any of my posts...especially th last one.

Thanks again for reading my rant,
Leslie

I have issues with trying to make a long story short, but I'm going to give it a shot here...

OK, about 3 months ago I bought this $80 rug from Wal-Mart. I was excited to find a rug so inexpensive that brought all my colors together. Now, knowing that we have 13 dogs (OK, 2 dogs, and 11 newborn puppies), it is sort of understood that the rug would need cleaned now and again, right? Well, my husband brought the rug out yesterday and put it in the garbage can. I was standing there talking with the guy that's working on our fence, and I told him that I was going to clean the rug. He disagreed with me. To keep from having an argument with him in front of someone, I let him put it in there, knowing full well that I was going to take it right back out, lay it out, and spot clean it. I had every intention of doing just that today, when the kids were at school. Then I would show my husband that just because something is stained, it doesn't have to be thrown away (which is his theory, and I think he needs to realize how much money that wastes). At the time though, I had my hands full of puppies, so I was busy, and forgot about it. My son took the garbage out to the street last night because pick-up was this morning.

This morning, I woke up, and got my daughter ready for school. When I took her out to the bus, I noticed that the can with the rugs was out there, so once she got on the bus, I grabbed the can (which actually had 2 rugs in it and was rather heavy), and pulled it about 20 feet up my driveway (which is probably about 30 ft.). I have hedges surrounding my property, and I figured it was safe as long as it was on the inside of the hedges. I didn't have time to really mess with it then, because I had to take a shower and get my son to therapy. Around 8:15 Am I hear the garbage people go by, and was thinking to myself that I was glad I remembered to bring in the rugs. I go out there at 8:25 to take my son, only to discover that they actually came 2/3 up my driveway, got the can, and emptied it. Now, 1/2 the time I can't even get them to take what they're supposed to, so I was furious. I immediately went inside, got the number, and called them on my way to therapy to complain. My goal was to get my rug back before it was destroyed completely. The lady who took my complaint was appalled. Then, the supervisor calls me back about a couple of hours later to leave me a message that his driver told him that the can in question was right there with the other cans. Can you believe the nerve?! I actually called the non-emergency sheriff to ask whether or not it was considered theft because they came all the way up on to my property, and he asked if I thought their intention was to steal it, or throw it away. I answered honestly...I was sure they had good intentions, but what does it matter. They took something that was mine, from MY property! Not the easement, which is where they specifically tell you to put your garbage. I have called the supervisor back, and asked him to return my call, and here we are almost another 4 hours later, and I have yet to hear from him. Do I have any recourse? I've asked neighbors if they saw me bring the can back towards my house, or if they saw the garbage people come onto my property to get it, and no one saw anything. One guy said he's had nothing but problems with this garbage company, and he would love to say that he did, but he didn't. I told him that I would never WANT him to say anything that wasn't true. I believe that alone shows my character.

Another thing with these garbage men...a few months ago, one of them dropped a bookbag in front of my house...not only did it have personal things and work-related item, but it also had his driver's license, as well as his GENEVA CONVENTION card (military I.D.). I immediately called the garbage company, told them who I needed, and why I needed to speak with him. One of them called me back, and told me to leave it outside for them. I refused to do so, worried that someone else might find it and take it, and besides that, I wanted to make sure I gave it to the right person. You would think they would remember that while they are lying through their teeth!

I am absolutely furious, and am not sure what to do. Any thoughts?? I shouldn't have to buy another rug...it wasn't my fault. I would be fine with getting my old rug back, provided it isn't all nasty now from other people's garbage. I would also be fine with them buying the exact same rug, which is now on clearance at Wal-Mart. I am not someone who goes around complaining about every little thing, but when it comes down to the principle of the matter, I am ready to take this as far as it needs to go for a satisfactory result.

While some may feel that I am overreacting, the point is, the customer is supposed to always be right. Why should he take someone else's word over mine? I am the customer! It also comes down to the fact that I can't afford to just go out and buy another rug. Three kids, 2 having autism...hello??!! Plus, they had no business to come way onto my property to get that.

Am I crazy?? Comments welcome!! Either way, as always,

Thanks for reading my rant,
Leslie

Alas, another weekend has come & gone. The title of this post is so true, for many reasons. I love my hubby with all my , BUT, he really is the messiest guy around. I have people that comment to me all the time about how strong and patient I must be to handle 2 kids on the spectrum. I honestly believe that if I didn't put hubby in charge of the kids on the weekends, I WOULD go nuts. My mother, bless her heart, thinks that I'm crazy for doing this. She is almost 70, so in her day, husbands just didn't do that. I've explained it to her, but she just doesn't get it. There are many reasons why I do this...

1. I feel like if I didn't, there would be times that I would have to force him to pay attention to the kids rather than the TV

2. I need some sort of chance to recoup, so that come Monday, I'll be fresh and ready to go

3. It's a change of pace for the kids. While routine is good, I try to avoid sticking to anything, because I know how "stuck" they can get

4. By Friday night, I'm done!

Yes, the kids go to school during the day, but they are also busy all day, and have been restricted to certain activities. So, Monday through Friday, when they get home, they are ready to PLAY (and get into as much as they possibly can)!! This is absolutely exhausting for me. My husband works about 2 hours away, so most days he doesn't get home until around 7-7:30 at night, which is fairly late. And our routine works for us, whereas for many families, it wouldn't.

I'm not saying that my husband isn't good with the kids, by any means. But, he doesn't watch them as closely as I do, so there are more spills and messes made on the weekend. Mondays I try to pick up a little, and work on laundry. Tuesdays I generally take off. Wednesdays I do more picking up. Thursdays I do major household cleaning, and Fridays I pick up some more, and try to have the house clean for the weekend. And, if yard work needs to be done, I fit that in some where, along with all the other usual stuff...therapy 2x per week, grocery shopping, other errands, etc. On Saturday and Sunday, the house is always the messiest. I am able to sleep in on those days (I am a total night owl), and by the time I wake up Saturday morning, the house is an absolute disaster! It just gets worse from there. I am usually very frustrated on Sunday nights, and can't wait for school the next day.

This weekend we had to do a family shopping trip about an hour away because we needed a portable gated area for the puppies to romp around in. We also needed some other odds & ends for them. So Saturday we did our shopping, and today was football day. My husband is a big Bucs fan, and I, as you know, am a huge Colts fan. We actually managed to have dinner at a real restaurant yesterday...TGI Fridays! I was so excited!! We don't get out much, and most of our meals out are usually at a fast food restaurant, with us eating in the car in the parking lot. The kids did pretty well. My daughter sat in a real seat for the first time, but I did have to threaten her with the highchair every few minutes, because she kept trying to get up. BTW, if you have a child with autism, I have 4 words for you...FRIED MACARONI AND CHEESE!!! This is like, a miracle food or something. I swear if they took a survey of autistic individuals and asked them what their favorite things were, "fried" and "mac & cheese" would usually be in the top 2. Anyway, it did go well. Thank God they handed us balloons on the way out though, as our middle child began to get very upset that we were leaving.

Today we had a problem with our dryer vent. The morons that built our house have the vent going straight up the wall, and through the attic, then straight up through the roof. Yeah, that'll work...duh! So I've been complaining for about 6 months now that the dryer wasn't working properly. After seeing our electric bill, I guess he finally believed me (it was about $120 more than usual). My husband is not usually the one to do manual labor around the house, but, God love him, he did this weekend. We worked almost all day today on cleaning out the dryer vent. Yee-haw! What a thrilling day this was. But, I'm glad it's done. I can't afford any more electric bills like that!

Anyway, he's calling me to watch the kids while he takes a shower, so I have to go for now. I might post some more tonight. It's been a frustrating weekend, and "vent"-ing my anger is helping. As always...

Thanks for reading my rant,
Leslie

Tonight I thought I would clue everyone in on this huge revelation that autism can really suck sometimes. I'm not in a particularly negative mood tonight, but I thought I should have a contrast to my post last night.

I love my son, more than I could ever even begin to explain. In a lot of ways, I love him even more because of his autism. But, in some ways, it is hard to have the same connection that I do with my other children. It's tough every day to keep giving and never getting anything back. Many parents would say how typical that is of children, but people rarely understand. I have never heard him call me "mom", let alone have him say "I Love You". And I don't know if I ever will.

It's not that I can't take it. Yes, it hurts, but I feel worse for my husband and my other kids. Especially for my oldest. He was 7 1/2 when my other son was born, and now so many things in his life are different. He rarely has friends over, because it is near impossible to keep my house clean. I know it sounds like an excuse, but my son literally has a fit when the couch cushions are on the couch properly. He bangs his head on the walls and windows when you stop him from throwing toys. As I write this I think of how this must be perceived by others. It sounds like I have a bratty child on my hands, but believe me, he's really not. He just like things a certain way, and unfortunately for me, it's not clean. The other thing that affects my oldest is that sometimes fun is cut short because his brother or sister is having a tantrum. Money is also a lot tighter because of my younger two. My middle one has a tendency to throw food onto the floor when he's not interested in it, and if given the chance, he will dump anything he can get his hands on. We actually had to replace our carpeting with tile and laminate because he had dumped over 30 gallons of milk onto it. Our house smelled absolutely disgusting. By the way, lock suggestions for a refrigerator are welcomed! We have tried several different versions of child-proof locks, and we have also bought special "medicine bottle" tops for the milk jugs...nothing has worked. It's a relatively new fridge, and short of putting an actual chain with a padlock on it, I have no idea what else to do. Also, along the money thing...about 2 months ago, we had to replace a window because my son banged his forehead on it and it shattered. I was standing right there, and I have no idea how it happened. He didn't seem to hit it that hard, but I guess it was just in the right spot. Thankfully, he was completely uninjured. But, we had to replace the window immediately.

I feel badly for my husband because he has 2 biological children, and they both have autism. Until my daughter was 2 1/2, he didn't know what it was like to hear his child's voice. Actually, that's not entirely true. My middle child did speak around 11-12 months of age, but he regressed so quickly. The last real word he spoke was "shoe" when he was about 2 years old. That has to hurt him. He is such a good guy though. He seems to take it all in stride. He very rarely loses his cool, and I don't think I've ever seen him feel sorry for himself. He sees this as our life...it's what we were given, and most days I think we really were chosen because we are good parents to our kids, and we compliment each other well.

Speaking of my husband, did you know that the divorce rate for people who have kids with autism is something ridiculous, like 80%?! Although it doesn't really surprise me, because I can understand all the emotions, or lack thereof, involved. But still...80%! Wow! Being as young as we are, I guess it shows how devoted we have been to one another from the start.

Now that I have told you how I feel about autism in general, and how badly I feel for my family, I suppose my next few posts will get into the specifics of what I deal with on a daily basis. The good, the bad, and the ugly...

Thanks for taking this ride with me! And, as always...

Thanks for listening to my rant,
Leslie